Sometimes... I am my mom

And sometimes it scares me!










I miss my mom, she was a great lady.  I loved her with all my heart and there was probably not a thing, I would not have done for her.  Her last day on this earth was August 12, 2009 or that is what it says on her DC.  In her last few years she put some distance between us and it was not until recently that I figured out why.

Like I said, I would have done pretty much anything for my mom.  She gave me life, raised me, disciplined me, had my back when I was right, and was always there when I needed an answer. She was the type of mom I hope I was and am to my kids.

I was devastated when she died.  It was weeks before I could do more then put one foot in front of the other and it took me months to get through the grief and regain a sense of normal.  I can hardly  begin imagine how much worse it would have been without the emotional distance. So, as angry as I was when she pushed me away and hardly spoke to me, I now understand.

During the last couple of years, mom would only allow me to come and see her once a week. On that last day, after a short visit, I sat down on the sofa next to her to say goodbye, I sensed something different,  I asked "Mom, are you okay?, Do you need me to call the doctor?" Her response was "I have a bruise on my leg", She showed me the bruise and I said, "watch it for a couple of days and if it doesn't get better maybe you should call the doctor", then, in a casual tone, I said, "I love you, I'll see you next week".  I remember, at that moment, mom did something unusual, something she had not done in several years, she kissed me softly on the cheek and quietly whispered, " I Love You" and I remember the look of pure love in mom's eyes. That look spoke volumes in seconds, and at that moment, something inside me knew, something inside me didn't want to know and something inside me put it in a box so my heart wouldn't break right then and there so it would be safe and I could deal with trying to understand in time. It was a look of love so deep, so full and so innocent. At that moment, I was connected, I knew everything there was to know, but could put none of it in words. In words, that don't even come close, it was, I love you I'm sorry Don't cry It's time Thank you Your beautiful I'm okay You will be okay  I will always be here for you I will see you soon Don't worry and so much more. It is not something that one can ever explain to another, it has to be experienced to be understood.

Looking back now, I remember the flash of feelings, that never really registered in my conscious mind, the ones that told me mom was going to die and this was the last time I would see her. I understood it, all of it, even though my brain denied it. In a second, I knew everything there is to know... and in that same second, it slipped through my fingers, because you just can't hold onto it in the realm of time and space, in the here and now. My mom shared it with me, she showed it to me... all of it.

I know that I now know, and when I get there... it will be like going home.  In the mean time, I will strive to cherish the flashes of the pure love from the universe when ever I can.

It's true...

Life is simple... enjoy the journey!

Hope and Change... Where Do We Start, Procol Harum

Hope and Change... 

Let's start with change... Hope is for things you can't change, like 7 lost sailors at sea.  You can hope, you can help, but you can not change the fact that they are lost.

I hear people talking about what should and should not change.  I hear people complaining about the congressional system. I hear people complaining about society and gun control and kids out of control and debt out of control...  Then there was the sequestration and now the government shut down. So, let's start with the change... Oh, by the way, remember how they (the infamous they again) tried to scare us with the sequestration.  It just vanished out of the news media... on to the next topic to scare the masses into submission.

I don't know how to start the process of change... like most, I have ideas on what I think should be done, but I am by no means a political aficionado. I am like the masses who wake up every morning, go to work, make a living... doing the daily. Why should I even talk about this, what qualifies me you ask... nothing really, well other than being an American and having been a single mom raising four children on $950.00 a month, paying a mortgage and a car payment with no welfare, and still managed to have a savings account. Yea that might qualify me to voice an opinion... 

You wonder how I did that, it was called a budget. If it was not in the budget, it was not, PERIOD. If it needed to be, the budget got adjusted... NOT INCREASED. 

I wonder how many Americans know that this country has not had a real federal budget since 1997.  That's correct 1997 and we wonder why we are in such a mess. Some may call me out on this but is seems the "Budget" that was passed in 2009 was nothing more than a spending bill full of earmark projects. The following year... no budget because it was a midterm election year and a budget might have a negative impact on the election. On and on the excuses go... I mean reasons.

So, how have we continued to run this county with out a budget? Easy, with a whole lot of continuing resolutions and printing more money... and disaster looms...

Oh, change, that's right we were talking about change.  Let's start by changing the congressional compensation package.  Take a look at the congressional salaries and allowances as published by the Congressional Research Service (bet they are paid by the government too!). 

Look closely.  For example the MRA benefit, Members' representational allowance. For 2011 the MRA range was from $1,356,975 to $1,671,596, with an average of $1,446,009.00 each. Almost a million and a half dollars, EACH! And that is just one of the benefits.

I think we should go back to congress being a service and not a career. Let's stop paying them, $174K a year (plus all these benefits). Their salary is almost three and a half times what the average American family earns, at a median household income of $51K a year.  Let's start paying them what our combat soldiers are paid, with the same benefits. Better yet, pay them on the same scale as the Military Reservist are paid for their part time service.  Then require that they only be in session one weekend a month and two weeks over the summer. Let them use their "summer vacation" like our reservists do to serve our county. Then they can go back to their regular jobs and work like the rest of us, pay for their own healthcare and retirement.  Maybe then we can get people into office who really want to serve this great country and cut out all the BULL SHIT!  

And for those who do not know, most combat soldiers with a family (the guys who fight for our freedoms), qualify for food stamps and our housed in what is termed "Sub-standard Housing".

Let's start there... then let's look at the budget and start trimming the fat. 

I leave you with the lyrics to a song... read them carefully.

I know if I'd been wiser this would never have occurred
but I wallowed in my blindness so it's plain that I deserve
for the sin of self-indulgence when the truth was writ quite clear
I must spend my life amongst the dead who spend their lives in fear
of a death that they're not sure of, of a life they can't control

It's all so simple really if you just look to your soul

Some say that I'm a wise man, some think that I'm a fool
It doesn't matter either way: I'll be a wise man's fool

For the lesson lies in learning and by teaching I'll be taught
for there's nothing hidden anywhere, it's all there to be sought
And so if you know anything look closely at the time
at others who remain untrue and don't commit that crime

~Procol Harum, Shine On Brightly

I want government to go back to being like life...

Life is simple... enjoy the journey.