And sometimes it scares me!
I miss my mom, she was a great lady. I loved her with all my heart and there was probably not a thing, I would not have done for her. Her last day on this earth was August 12, 2009 or that is what it says on her DC. In her last few years she put some distance between us and it was not until recently that I figured out why.
Like I said, I would have done pretty much anything for my mom. She gave me life, raised me, disciplined me, had my back when I was right, and was always there when I needed an answer. She was the type of mom I hope I was and am to my kids.
I was devastated when she died. It was weeks before I could do more then put one foot in front of the other and it took me months to get through the grief and regain a sense of normal. I can hardly begin imagine how much worse it would have been without the emotional distance. So, as angry as I was when she pushed me away and hardly spoke to me, I now understand.
During the last couple of years, mom would only allow me to come and see her once a week. On that last day, after a short visit, I sat down on the sofa next to her to say goodbye, I sensed something different, I asked "Mom, are you okay?, Do you need me to call the doctor?" Her response was "I have a bruise on my leg", She showed me the bruise and I said, "watch it for a couple of days and if it doesn't get better maybe you should call the doctor", then, in a casual tone, I said, "I love you, I'll see you next week". I remember, at that moment, mom did something unusual, something she had not done in several years, she kissed me softly on the cheek and quietly whispered, " I Love You" and I remember the look of pure love in mom's eyes. That look spoke volumes in seconds, and at that moment, something inside me knew, something inside me didn't want to know and something inside me put it in a box so my heart wouldn't break right then and there so it would be safe and I could deal with trying to understand in time. It was a look of love so deep, so full and so innocent. At that moment, I was connected, I knew everything there was to know, but could put none of it in words. In words, that don't even come close, it was, I love you I'm sorry Don't cry It's time Thank you Your beautiful I'm okay You will be okay I will always be here for you I will see you soon Don't worry and so much more. It is not something that one can ever explain to another, it has to be experienced to be understood.
Looking back now, I remember the flash of feelings, that never really registered in my conscious mind, the ones that told me mom was going to die and this was the last time I would see her. I understood it, all of it, even though my brain denied it. In a second, I knew everything there is to know... and in that same second, it slipped through my fingers, because you just can't hold onto it in the realm of time and space, in the here and now. My mom shared it with me, she showed it to me... all of it.
I know that I now know, and when I get there... it will be like going home. In the mean time, I will strive to cherish the flashes of the pure love from the universe when ever I can.
It's true...
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